question.

how did it happen?

why did it happen? 刚刚眼泪差一点点就不受控了。。还好没事(:
sometimes, i guess it's only when one can start talking freely about the past - without any fear, anger, sadness - in short, without any emotions and only smile and laugh at the silly moments - that's when one had finally let go and move on with life.

frankly, i still haven't able to achieve that.
though, im trying every day - bit by bit.. and if it failed for that day, i'll just let my emotions take over and just cry; when the tears stop flowing, i'll just try even harder tmr.

每一天，我会尽量学习放手。。
今天不行，明天再努力！

im just a stupid girl.
stupid enough to try making a sour breakup looks "mutual" to others
so that he won't feel so bad, and people around me won't dislike him as much.

letting people screw my life - studies and work, and yet... ha...

笑我笨
笑我懒好人
笑我心太软
笑我把爱情看得太重要

笑吧，笑吧，笑吧。。

im still too young to understand and deal with love.
i'll just step out of this 爱情圈圈 till the time has come - mayb a year, mayb 2.. mayb 3.. actually mayb forever..

humans are too unpredictable.
promises are too disappointing.
hugs are too fake.
kisses are too lusty.
and..

love is too scary.

love is nothing but a lie. 失控了，对不起。

in control, i must - 可是emo 了一场后，心情好象有些需的好转..

听着那些忧伤与悲哀的歌，泪流满面 - and i took the courage to actually start listening to those cantonese songs i used to love - still remember when things just got bad... i refused to speak/listen/watch anything regarding in cantonese or related to hk and im so sure i'll never step onto that piece of land anymore - with the only fact that im scared (and initially hated everything related to him so much - country included) i'll lose it once i start reliving, recalling, remembering those memories..

it's time.

my love, my fate - you will fade away.
过去当一场电影，世界当没有你。

so hard on me, yet there's no other choice.

mayb GOD can help walk me through this pit-bottom journey of my life.
bringing some light into the darkness, turning my pitch black world into greyness.. and than slowly decolorised - and when the time is right, i'll help myself with adding colours - and this time i'll be extremely careful with the colors im gonna add, keeping to pastel colors for a safe, stable and simple life - protecting the already incompleted, inconsolable fragile heart of a broken girl.

my blog's becoming the undeniable - 失落部落阁

this is so bad - yet, this is just me; the real me - 真实的我，而不是戴上面具后的“她”

...

depressed issues aside - im just glad to have met and gotten updates of my small friend and a old friend just now.

also experienced my first 求签 at 四马路的观音庙; so true yet so don't wanna face it.. but i know, i must - there's no running away..

love is nothing but a lie. such nice weather to sleep in, with the smell of rain and cool breeze.
and yet, i'd slept for less than 6hours.

age's catching up and if i don't sleep enough im gonna have such bad skin, extremely dark dark eye rings, puffy eyes and everything ugly will come. hell no! can't let that happen! but... oh, whatever.

why's my lappie giving me problems?
is it a hint for me to get a new one soon...?
or should i just get a desktop instead?
hmmm.

running late for lunchie with small friend..

love is nothing but a lie. and all of a sudden,
im fucking pissed off by you.

feeling the anger rising.
damn. in need of serious anger management..
feeling the tears forming.
damn damn damn. in serious need of memory lost..

life's a bitch.
love's a lie.

you're happy.
im not not NOT!
and never WILL!!

breathe breathe breathe... breathe..........

love is nothing but a lie. 3am - the nightly time for me to just fall asleep.

nights like tonight, sitting in front of my desktop doing nothing at all is becoming a routine... and it's only at times like this makes me tired and exhuasted enough to fall asleep soon after without hours of flipping in bed, mind filled with unwanted thoughts.

but this can't go on... fucking need good quantity and quality beauty sleep!

just let me wait up one day and forget everything and just walk on life without a single memory of the past - only then there will be a chance for a new start.

i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.

love is nothing but a lie. re-read the msn conversation,
and tears just roll.

u're right,
crying has been my bedtime story for many nights.
and it will still be my bedtime story tonight and the many many nights down the weeks, months and years ahead of my life.

im still not ready, never gonna be ready to start anew.
never never never - a definate NEVER.

i need sleep.
if only i could.

love is nothing but a lie. sleepless night, again.

been days - weeks or since that day?
sleeping only after 2am when im extremely tired,
waking up at 9am or earlier for a whole day's work.
even on my off days - i woke up at 9am.

i feel guilty for not wearing the ring,
especially after that night.

i wanna put the ring back on my finger,
but one of my friends told me that i must not, or i'll never walk out of this shadow/fear/depression in my whole life.

can i just die?
it will be easier.

love is nothing but a lie. and tonight - the superb uncomfy feeling in the heart, stronger than any other day.
it's like pulling, nudging, tugging that fragile 'spot' - making me wanna just die away.

the throat is dry, the heart is bleeding - and here im, with a wannabe blank mind and thoughts of never needing to remember/think/recall/know/understand anything ever again. mayb i'll be better if one day, my memories of every day of my 22years of life since the day im born - GONE* (totally)

then mayb that's when i'll smile again - a smile that comes from the heart and not the skin.

breathe. breathe. breathe.
im telling myself now.

please let me breathe.
please let me stablised my heart.
please let me just breathe.

love is nothing but a lie. it just feels wrong.
totally wrong - to be feeling this way.

i read.
i hurt.
i runaway even more.

sleep. i need sleep.

love is nothing but a lie. 10 more mins to the 14th of the month.
14th supposed to be special - 3years 4months supposedly - yet now, it's 14th the death soul. 14th when love turns hate, and hatred only i feel for the rest of my life - because im me, just too good remembering the pain, lies and betrayal people brought me - i might not remember the good, but i sure remember the bad - bet on that, and my advice? "try me"

i don't know what's wrong with me the whole of today.
frustration and anger is all i felt - impatience too.
oh no. mayb it's just pure hatred that's raging inside me.
it seems the whole world is totally fucked up - by people, situations, things, events etc.
in fact, my hate for life seems to be growing, raging like an unstoppable fire - that will never be comforted, never be dim - let alone put out.

there's this uncomfy feeling in the heart - nudging me, reminding me - of things i refuse to remember, things im running away from, and most probably will - be running away forever. if i have to run forever, i will.

on the verge of crying so many times today, yet i didn't drop a single tear.
emotions have to be hidden - especially when it's weakness that's trying to show.

rage. anger. frustration. hate - i'll happily display.

this is not going to be a happy sweet life.
but a life filled with raging hatred and death - negativism.
most probably im gonna be feed on the hate that's within me to survive this life.
so...

fuck the world.

love is nothing but a lie. it's gonna be a month in 30mins.

this time - im not as insane, not as depressed, not as much tears as the one before.
most probably because i've grow up - 23 this coming april as compared to when i was 18?
oh well, not that life's being great nor depressing.
rather, life now is simply... simple. routine. expected. quiet.

since one month ago, i fear even the touch of my computer - stopped using the computer, stopped using my mobile phone, simply cutting myself from the world out there.

though i started logging into my hotmail - and wow, hundreds of mails to clear, mostly from facebook - friends request, photos tagged, photos comments etc - yet, i haven't even click on those mail yet - simply left them there and see maybe in a few months i'll just click on those emails and look at those comments and messages.

msn and facebook is a serious NO NO for me now and maybe for the next few months.
sorry friends, i dont have the courage to log on msn/facebook fearing the fact i might see things that im totally not ready for - like him with another girl or something like that.

no. im totally not ready for anything.

im still a little too not over him.

though, im all smily at work and at times at home - something is still mssing.
incomplete.
it's weird.
sometimes, a mean of sudden saddness and emotion outburst might caused me silence, teary and sometimes frustration and anger. and i just couldn't help it - it's there - the emotions so real.

once a broken heart,
it will never be healed.

and i hold a damaged, utterly shattered broken heart, mind and soul - forever.

actually, i don't even know what im typing - my hands doing magic, my mind blank.

work's not that great but there's this group of people that makes my working day looks so much brighter and happier - only knowing that they will be there makes me not dread going to work.

during the past one month, they're like the only people i hang out with.
im so lucily to have them in my life during my most difficult point in life - they make me go out with them, makes me smile and sometimes i even laugh. thank you miners! [=

and im still trying.
for the next few months and years.
nothing will be the same and im still trying to live each day.

love is nothing but a lie.