haven't been watching any movie since bb went back.

team B gathering ytd was great!
lunch and movie - BROTHERS*

andy lau, forever that charming.. [=

loveeeeeeeeeee shopping!
...and that means money spent..

nails done = more money gone!

whatever. ilove. [=

xoxo

11days more.
god. that was fast! >.<

imissu*

...ultimately, i am still alone.

gone. long-distant relationship is a bitch.
especially when you never know when exactly will it end.
no exact date nor time frame given.
it might be a year, might be two.. or even 10?
no. no definate answer.

wait.
the one and only answer.

this loneliness is killing me.
the fact that the social circle is so damn small worsen the situation.
friends come and go.

wait. are they even considered as friends...?
i don't know. maybe they only dropped by to get a benefit or two.
shrugs.

refused to submit to the fact that i couldn't handle long-d,
i've held on for a year, and many more years to come.

what would you think of me if i broke off just because i couldn't tolerant the distance and the lack of major physical appearence in my life? nope. i won't let that happen. im holding on. holding onto something we both believed in - a future together. dinna was great - smoked salmon salad.
chilling at starbucks was awesome!
especially when it's with jing.

talked a lot - now and then, good times bad times.
enjoyed. [=

but now, im like so freaking bored.
wanna drink drink drink.
anyone?! bleah. meeting up with ruiyi today feels great!
from little india, to chinatown to orchard and somerset..
god. it was indeed tiring!

anyway, bought this super cute couple tee for us!
you saw it over the webcam and like it too.
that's add up to gift no. 3?! heehee.

im so glad things got better for us babyyy* [=

xoxo

aside those happy things.
im not gonna be there for anyone who only looks for me when they need someone and went missing in action when i need them. by doing so, you're not treating me as a friend. whatever. you're not my toy, and neither am i your's. pretty much emptiness.
no. don't feel loved, nor care for.
yep. felt totally neglected and abandoned.

7days to..
29days to..

shrugs*

on a brighter note, starting my usual 3 days off plus weekends.
partyyy time! no more time for self pity.
indeed.

...and IF only i can really overlook everything.

xoxo

i hate hate hate when people don't bother to reply messages. simple, and yet a great day.
had a day break from work, and it's my parent's wedding anniv! [=

lunch with my family at the mall, and saw a friend - working (intend to say hi, but he's busy)
shopped for ingredients for the night's steamboat session!
took a 2-hour nap and im all ready for dinner.
perfected by a mj session and liquor*

xoxo

definately have an extremely soft spot for you.
because when on the phone with you, i was so tempted to let down my guard.. and be cozy with you. and this is bad.. for me.

time to sleep. another day of working awaits. woke up this morning and got disappointed.
no. no morning messages.
and i thought to myself mayb i woke up earlier in the morning, read the message and forgot about it? so, i actually went to my inbox and check.
no. definately no messages - till now.

haha. im so silly - always.

and now, im starting to feel scared. extremely scared.

question.

what's gonna turn out of us? hello blog.

im glad to have you.
apparently, im not allow to complain nor voice out my unhappiess or whatever emotions im feeling if i want the rs to keep going good. but, i've you to talk to. you to listen to my unhappiness. though you might not be alive to do anything to make me feel better, at least i guess you do listen to what im gonna say - my thoughts, my feelings.

first thing first,
im no longer gonna have expectations. im going to make things simple. im going to be the follower, hiding those feelings, tears and wound. as im typing this entry, i can actually feel my heart hurting, bleeding. kind of funny, to experience heart contractions that made me tear. forcing a smile on my face, it's show time. again.

sometimes, i wonder. what do i live for?
actually, i live for my family and love, which i believe will be my own little family in the future.
yes, i live for love that will evolve into a family. never live for guys, it's love and family that i live for. and when i cried so hard over a certain guy (only two in my life) was because i thought im gonna lost them and my future family for good.

i always wonder what people first impression of me?
arrogant? proud? fierce? confident? pretty? fat? ugly? talented? cheerful? party girl? popular? smiley? ...etc.
im really curious, seriously.
yet, i can tell you.. im totally..
belittled, low or even zero confidence, negative, lonely, timid, paranoid, talentless or mayb useless, definately not popular, quiet, naive ...etc.

i love writing.
it gave me the courage to really voice out my thoughts and feelings - that i was too ashamed to share with anyone in this world. each time after expressing my unhappiness, anger ...etc i felt more relaxed. like a load being dump away. because i can't tell anyone, and when i do.. results being i got fucked. writing is my runaway.

minutes passed, hours passed.
i can feel my heart turning colder.
my words, without soul.

maybe i just want to protect myself from further hurt. im smashed.
seems that my problems, and feeling doesn't really concern you.

so what if im lonely?
so what if im sad when i see happy couples around me?
so what if i can't find a single friend to hang out with?
so what if im home waiting for you every single night for hours till past midnight?
so what if im feeling fucked, stressed at work and hurt by you again and again?

all you throw at me was, "you don't have friends is your fucking problem, not mine."

that was the only thing i heard, and the sentence i will remember for life.
short sentence, yet it totally explains how much you treasure our relationship and me.
you can be saying a hundred times "i love you" every day, but do you really mean it?

yes. your friends can say that you treat me too good.
and yes. you're free to listen to them and treat me the "normal" way your friends see it.
your friend said this, your friend said that.
what about what i said? do you ever really listen, and understand before defending yourself?

i never said you cannot go out with your friends,
i just hope you can be home earlier or to keep the time you promise to be home to talk with me.
for one thing, you're there permanently. you have all the time to do what you wanna do over there. as for me, i only have that short period of time each day, separated by either the computer or phone.

as im typing this. tears flow yet again. but i know i have to learn how to control them soon. i've got to save what left of my pathetic dignity. i'm leaving you alone, doing whatever you want. anyway, friends' always more important to you.

when it comes to me, i have to wait.
i wait day and night to talk on the phone.
and when it's finally time and i called,
i was asked to wait because you're with this friend, or watching this drama, or playing this game.
so when can i be the prioriety and that when i call or whatever, the waiting party is not me. when will that ever happen?

honestly, i can be harsh at you, showing the strong side of me.
this is because your presence totally made me lose all my confidence.
belittled. because i know NOTHING and have no skill nor talent as compared to you.
you're better than me in every aspect of life.
and that made me even more "zi bei" ("ji bay")
if you never know, im telling you now.

looking at the air ticket to hk this coming november, 31days away.
and im confused, tensed, lost.
am i to go over still?
so what will be happening when i go over?
will it be a happy trip?
what will happen in this 31 days?
will i be unhappy, sad, crying every single day?
will we ever make up?
will we ever since grew distant?

so many questions. about this relationship.
and i have no answers to any.

i licked my own wounds in that corner.

yes. im this lonely freak with no friends.

im not making any sense anymore. see. i have so much in mind, and even more i never expressed. all because i don't want to bore you with all these shits. and i have no one to confide in anymore.

it seems that world is back to me. and me alone.

the urge to slash again. this time i held back the temptation. it's ugly enough. i dont need more scars.

one last thing.

my confused, lost.
my heart's bleeding, smashed, unsettled.
im insecure.

who to calm me down? no relaxation. no entertainment. no social life.
every day is the same old routine.. work work work.
im gonna die. real soon.

one of the many things in life that i hated the most is to WAIT.
i hate i hate i hate ...waiting.
and yet, i MUST.

3 more days to breaking from work for a week! 7 days! [=
32 more days to my hk november trip!* <3

xoxo

frustration. anger. hatred. doubts. impatience.
what's gotton into me..? boo.
stupid entries, stupid me.
>.<

xoxo

shishi is HUNGRY.. again! bleah. crybaby's done with her crying tonight.
feeling much much better now.
like i said, i lick my own wounds in that corner.

realised i don't have to explain because you never understand me.
realised i need to build this wall to protect myself from further damage.
realised i need to ignore and neglect in order not to get hurt.
realised im giving up trying to achieve what's my happines/love - whatever you called it.
realised i forgot something important..

no expectations, no disappointments.

im hiding.
im reversing.
im fading back into the shadows.

all i ever want is to feel real, needed and be a somebody to you.