i am sick.
i am crazy.
i am insane.

lack of sleep.

think too much.
worry too much.

i need help. good morning to the world *

it's 6.13am now on my laptop.
and when the world is going to wake up soon,
im just going to get some rest after the whole night (or rather morning) work.

nightlife is tiring.
but i need that nightlife to balance my life.

weird huh.

my bed is calling *

imissu, baby * <3

...

recently, i realised that someone have been popping into my mind for a while.
a someone whom i thought i would never ever think or miss.
but frankly.. and have to admit..

recently..

i seems to be missing u quite bad.. cabal.
finally got myself to level 12 on venus channel.
when i already level 16 levels today on mercury channel.
boo.

im so tireddd *

mayb level 25 tomorrow?

...

something to celebrate!

i've got my second birthday present for the year!

first, new SE phone *
second, SIM Letter Of Offer!

many many more to come.. hopefully * hee.

furthermore,
things with u are definately improving!
with much love * <3

gonna start saving money, as school's gonna start.
hence, no more clubbing and expensive activities..

working.
cabaling.
watching vcds.
staying home will be the best way for me to past my days.

oh well,
and i also wanna be a guai guai gf, stay home and not all around the places i shouldn't be >.< i don't know how long more can i endure..

i've been pushing myself too hard recently.
but tonight..
i guess i just feel like crying.
mayb i need it.

but im holding back those tears.

i can't lose control now.
if i did.
that's the end, for me.

break.

...

when will things improve, just like before?
never.
that's my guess. unsettled. being keeping to myself for the past two weeks or so.

trying very hard not to bother or trouble other people with my problems.
trying very hard to walk this life alone.
trying very hard to deal with every single thing alone.
trying very hard not to disturb.
trying very hard not to cry.
trying very hard to hide and bury those feelings.

trying trying trying...

i think i am doing ok, i guess.

but.
i need to try so much harder. Until I Get Over You//*Milian Christian

Woke up today, thinking of you
Another night and i made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But it can never come true

I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I'm with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain
Everytime I hear your name

Chorus:
The sun won't shine, since you went away
Seems like the rains falling everyday
There's just one heart, where there once was two
That's the way it's gotta be, until I get over you
[You.........]

Walk through the park in the evening end
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I ran away, but I just can't escape
Memories of you everywhere

They say the time will dry the tears
That true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

Chorus:
The sun won't shine, since you went away
Seems like the rains falling everyday
There's just one heart, where there once was two
That's the way it's gotta be, until I get over you
[Till I get over you...]

When will this river of tears stop falling
Where can I run so i won't feel alone
I can't walk away when the pain keeps calling
Just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go......
[Oh no no no]
[Oh no no]

Chorus:
The sun won't shine, since you went away
Seems like the rains falling everyday
There's just one heart, where there once was two
That's the way it's gotta be, until I get over you
[You.......]
[You.......]

Thats the way its gotta be until i get over you
[Until i get over....you] couldn't decide if i should go shanghai this coming may.
or should i visit hongkong some time june.

i was thinking mayb i'll just use the money to buy my gucci bag.

...and i can't wait to visit taiwan and mayb japan next year * incomplete. good friday.

30-second phone call from abroad.

a trip down to hougang mall.
finger licking good kfc.
home-steamboating.
mahjong mahjong mahjong.

simple.

i should be feeling blissful and happy.

emptiness.
something is still missing.

=MuQ= "Chen Mu Ji" ...Distant Memory... says:
u'll nvr walk this journey alone
诗 * says:
how u know?
=MuQ= "Chen Mu Ji" ...Distant Memory... says:
i'll walk with u...

you're sweet.
thanks.. [=

...

if you really miss me.
do something to prove it. this is the 101th entry on this blog.

thank you for missing me.
thank you for telling me you miss me.
thank you for your "imu".
thank you for your sms.

appreciated.. [= i love to watch movie *

though it's a horror movie i watched tonight.
scare the hell outa me ]=
and i am having a headache now..

from jalan kayu to geylanggg.
so full.

time to sleep.

sing k, or movie tmr?
hmmm.

...

im surprised you text me. ever know the feeling of being unwanted?
ever know the feeling of being unloved?
ever know the feeling of being neglected?
ever know the feeling of being alone?
ever know the feeling of a thoroughly broken heart?
ever know the feeling of thorough disappointment?
ever know the feeling of dispair?
ever know the feeling of hiding all your pain and showing that plastic smile?
ever know the feeling of ...

all these feelings.
all too familiar.
know them too well.
especially now. a million thanks.

to you, who always listen to me talk about my unhappiness.
to you, who always bring me out when im down.
to you, who always seems to be so protective.
to you, who always made me feel like a pampered princess.
to you, who always try to make me smile.
to you, who endure my ridiculous temper at times.
to you, who stay as my friend even those hard times.

and because all the little things you did, always.

i realised i should let you go and live your own life,
a more colourful and meaningful life - a life without me.
don't wanna bring anymore trouble.
don't wanna messed up anymore.
don't wanna bring unhappiness again.

letting go.
that's the hardest thing to do.
but i'll do my best.

hope you smile in the coming years, and never frown ever again. if recieving a call or sms from you have to be considered a bonus,
and NOT hearding from you for days and weeks to be considered as normal.

if that's the case.

why are you called the boyfriend, and not one of the many friends?

i don't understand. and please don't worry.

i won't disturb or bother you and your friends, ever again.

i'll keep to myself and you shall have peace. another sleepless night.

the scars on my arm serve as a reminder.
a reminder not to fall, ever again.
a reminder to build walls.
a reminder of the already broken heart.

being thinking a lot recently.

and it's so sad,
to realised.. walking this journey alone.
without any help, support or encouragement.

because they are all gone for good. pretty much in love with this song recently.

mayb it's the lyrics.
mayb it's the music.
mayb it's the mood.
mayb it's the feel.

mayb it's because of nothing.

nothing.
that's the word.
that's reality.
nothing.

沉默玩具//*曹格

變成了一個影　
隱藏了自己
愛情困難呼吸　
我是沉默玩具

執著對妳無限期
模糊我自己
不願意升上白旗
輸了妳的遊戲
妳和他　
對街擁抱　我看到

為什麼愛上妳的人是我
為什麼一廂情願的人　會難過
為什麼對妳捨不得總是我
愛上妳　需要那真情意
收在日記裡

寂寞天天不休息　
讓甜蜜全也忘記
幸福不再美麗　
可是我會在意

為什麼對妳捨不得總是我
還是妳　需要那真情意

真愛妳的人會難過
為什麼對妳捨不得總是我
還是妳　
需要那真情意　收在日記 you haunt me in real life.
you haunt me in my dreams.

nightmare.

im exhuasted.

and im surprised too.
by your morning message,
when i needed the most. you shall be left alone.
and that's exactly what you want.

but if one day for some reason you need to reach me..

you have my mobile number.
you have my house number.
you have my sisters' number.
you have my aunt's number.
you have my email address.
you know where i live.
you know where i work.

you know exactly how and where to find me.
of course, if only you want to.
i won't force.

for now.
all the best and tc. 4 years ago.
i was a happy little girl so in love.
happiness rushed over my head,
i didn't feel my love slipping further and further away.
all of a sudden.
he doesn't want to talk anymore.
he doesn't want to spend time anymore.
he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
everything he want,
he wanna do it alone, he wanna do it with his friends.
i couldn't understand back then.
when he left me for good without a reason,
i cried. depressed.
for months - 6 months to be exact.

then i realised why.
he doesn't love me anymore.
he have another girl.
that's why he left.

a changed me found my runaway paradises.
all those clubs. liquor. muisc.
most importantly,
i found beach hut.

now.
history repeats.
though i don't know the reaon yet. horoscope: aries on 14th march 2008.

Ugly emotions are burbling up inside you today, and it doesn't much matter why. What matters is how you deal with them. Process these emotions by expressing them. If you are upset with someone, don't suppress it. If you are confused about your feelings for someone, let them know. Don't underestimate other people by always assuming they will react in the worst possible way. They have a lot more empathy than you think. Be vulnerable and tell them how you feel.

nope.
i can't.
i won't.

because if i do, u will leave.
and i don't want u to leave, again.

i can deal with it.
i am trying.
i have to.

no compromises. can't get enough of mahjong *
especially when u win!

MUAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA..

...

iloveu * <3 28th month anniversary *

first day of work at a brand new place.
cafe del mar.
isn't too bad.
hope it will be a nice place to work and runaway from the world, at times.

couldn't reach u at all the whole night.
just wanna listen to ur voice and wish u "happy anniversary"
but your phone's switched off.

no worries.
i am not angry or pissed off.
nor am i complaining.
mayb just slightly worried..

but it's alright!!!
you need your own time and space.
totally understand.
i will be fine(:

hope u had a great night, no matter what u're doing(:

...

to me:

still trying hard.
add oil!!!
smile on happy days.
laugh on those sad days!

smile. smile. smile!!!
u can do it!!!
add oil add oil add oil!!! i have thought.
i have thought.
i have thought.

i have decided.
i have decided.
i have decided.

i am happy now(: * just like what i've expected and told some people.
im so smart *
hurhurhur.

"it's just temporary, just for a few days" heh.

i am sucha stupid girl.
stupid stupid stupid.
silly silly silly.

waiting waiting waiting.
what am i waiting for by the way? got myself a new phone, SE W910i *
first birthday present for myself this year.

looking forward to the many many presents gonna get for myself this coming birthday. it's yet another lonely off week.

will someone bring me out?
get me high!
and make me smile?

nah.
never gonna happen.

because no one care.. i miss my baby..

i've made up my mind already.
waiting for our 28th month anniversary this coming thursday.

you know you love me.
and i love you too. omg.
i finally had some dinner tonight!
passionfruit soda and 1/2 slice pizza * yumyummm

but i feel like puking now though.. too full..

i think my stomach is spoilt again!
just like 3 years ago.
when i can go on without proper food for days and months.
but i can drink and dance throughout the night!
hurhurhur.

...

don't wanna be emotional no more.
don't wanna love anymore.

mayb it's because it ended without a start.
that's why i'm so stubborn towards it.
that's why i couldn't really let go.

too much in the mind.
too few words to express.

oh, let it be.
let it be.

p.s. one day, i will throw $200 in your face and we don't owe each other nothing. 死心眼
歌手:彭佳慧
词:易家扬 曲:李菘

永远有多远 想了一整夜
我才不管以后的路 刮风又下雪
也许你没说你爱我
可是也没说不爱我

女人的时间 少得很可怜
你说的很对 可是我为了谁冒险
我不是神仙 我也会抱怨
我只要一分钟你还拖延

爱情偷走我的理智 你笑我死心眼
爱你浪费多少时间 你不会发现
是你给我泪里的碱 是你给我苦里的甜
是你带著我越过了极限

幸福住我的眼睛也让我死心眼
爱它莫名其妙出现我睡的很甜
是我忘了还有从前 是我忘了还有明天
是我忘了说情人再见

嘿你笑我老爱掉眼泪
女人的泪 是一种正当的防备
我可以飞 我没有飞
是为了谁 你知道为了谁

爱情偷走我的理智 你笑我死心眼
爱你浪费多少时间 你不会发现
是你给我泪里的碱 是你给我苦里的甜
是你带著我越过了极限

幸福住我的眼睛也让我死心眼
爱它莫名其妙出现我睡的很甜
是我忘了还有从前是 我忘了还有明天
是我忘了说情人再见 there's a lot i wanna say.
there's a lot i wanna question.
there's a lot i wanna know.

but.

u're sucha jerk.

u don't hate me?
but i do, jerk.

u just don't wanna get involved into anything anymore?
but u're involved, jerk.

oh well,
no worries about me bothering u further.
because i simply won't, and never will.
and i don't want to hear from u again when u're drunk.
call ur gf and complain instead.
i know too much, i won't comment.

how honest and faithful u're towards ur gf.
i shall not comment.
u know better than me, jerk.

...

do i even know u?
ha. u've got the wrong person.
jerk.

i can be evil.
i can be heartless.
i can be cold-hearted.
i can be such a devil.

try me. 不想懂得(公主小妹片尾曲)
作詞：姚若龍　作曲：動靜音樂

當世界　不知不覺的變了　
有時候　我懷念以前的我
作的夢　雖然遠遠的　
想像是　一種快樂
擁有了　同時也失去什麼　
而眷戀　原來會帶來軟弱
你讓我在霧裡成熟　心開始曲折

我不想捨得　不想懂得　
是誰惹誰　言不由衷
說謊傷害　都是不安犯的錯　
怕抱不緊什麼
我不想捨得　不想懂得　
誰說割愛　才更深刻
彼此依賴　是愛不是負荷　
互相照顧就是　幸福的

當世界　不知不覺的變了　
有時候　我懷念以前的我
作的夢　雖然遠遠的　
想像是　一種快樂
擁有了　同時也失去什麼　
而眷戀　原來會帶來軟弱
你讓我在霧裡成熟　心開始曲折

我不想捨得　不想懂得　
是誰惹誰　言不由衷
說謊傷害　都是不安犯的錯　
怕抱不緊什麼
我不想捨得　不想懂得　
誰說割愛　才更深刻
彼此依賴 是愛不是負荷
能握著手就是 感動的

我願意　一秒鐘放棄全宇宙　
擠在只有我們　緊靠的小星球

我不想捨得　不想懂得　
是誰惹誰　言不由衷
說謊傷害　都是不安犯的錯　
怕抱不緊什麼
我多不捨得　多不懂得　
誰說割愛　才更深刻
彼此依賴　是愛不是負荷　
能握著手就是　感動的

說謊傷害　都是不安犯的錯　
怕抱不緊什麼
我多不捨得　多不懂得　
誰說割愛　才更深刻
彼此依賴　是愛不是負荷　
能握著手就是　感動的

...

我願意　一秒鐘放棄全宇宙　
擠在只有我們　緊靠的小星球

can i? two years ago.
was it a mistake or destiny?
a turning point in life?

but it definately changed the lives of at least four person.

and now.
did i make the right choice?

and even if i did not.
it's too late. love should be unconditional.

even if u couldn't be the one who give her happiness,
at least see her through till the day she finally find her happiness.

if being friends with me is so difficult for u,
so be it. i'll not bother u anymore too. just like what u said in the sms.

...

ru guo ni bu ke yi wu tiao jian wei wo, mei you mu de de dui wo hao.
zuo wo yi sheng de hao peng you.
jiu bu yao zai ting dao ni shou ni you duo teng wo, dui wo duo hao.
ying wei, zhe yi qie dou shi jia de. question.

would u rather be friends forever?
or lovers for the time being?

for a coward me, i choose to be friends - at least i have u for life.
and i am trying hard to maintain the friendship.
but it doesn't seem to work no matter what i do.

i am so fucking STUPID FOOLISH SILLY.

who will be by my side when shits happen?
nobody.
and the only two person i can turn to and seek comfort had abandoned me.

yeap.
if u haven't realised, u do, in some way affect me.
and honestly, u're important to me.

it's time to move on.
erased memories.
learn to survive on my own.
and of course learn to let u go - completely, thoroughly.

i can't afford to let u stay in "there" any longer.
because it's torturing me. killing me. bit by bit.
but can i really let it go?

doubt so.

...

how well will i survive as a single? club.
drink.
wake up.
mahjong.
win.

what else can i ask for?

...

i am a fool.