cried for the past whole hour.
cried because the fear of losing.
cried because i love too much.
cried because my heart hurt too much.

disappointed with love.
disappointed with the person who claim that he loved me.
disappointed with myself for being so weak.

because i thought u will understand me one day, some day.

but im wrong.
never will u understand me.
never will u try understanding me.

i hope some day in the future, someone will finally understand me and love me the way i should be love.

i don't want to cry anymore.
i don't want to give anymore.
i dont want to hurt anymore.
i don't want to feel being neglected anymore.
i don't want to feel not needed and unwanted anymore.

i want to be happy.
i want to be loved.
i want to be unwanted and needed.
i want forever.

if i could use my life to exchange for a blissful relationship for just a short few years, i would.

because i rather live happy and loved for a meer 5 years or so than to cry my life away...

i don't ask for much.
i just need my bf to love me as much as i do.
i just need my bf to stay by my side as much as possible.
i just need my bf to understand me.
i just need my bf to know why i react in a certain way to a certain situation.

i just need u to... listen.

back to when i was 18.
when life's in it's darkest period.
when the sense of death is just so near.

history is going to repeat itself. fourteen.
it's the 14 today.
supposed to be happy 26th months anniversary.
but the fact that this is no longer a happy relationship.
it will be just another day.

...

and when u ask me what's the most fortunate thing that can happen in life.
my reply will be,

"having my family and u by my side, witnessing my life - and stay as part of my life"

stupid.

to be hurting myself over and over again,
not wanting to give up.

and a friend answered,

"leave singapore"

when i asked what's the best way to forget something or someone.

and i told this friend,

"i would if i could"

some day. one day.

when i have the courage and ability to do so.

i'll abandon whatever i've and start anew.

indeed,

i hate myself for loving u so much.
and i hate myself for falling back in love. something off the internet, or rather facebook.

so true.

When she walks away from you mad [ Follow her ]
When she stare's at your mouth [ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hit's you [ Grab her and dont let go ]
When she start's cussing at you [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she's quiet [ Ask her whats wrong ]
When she ignore's you [ Give her your attention ]
When she pull's away [ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying [Just hold her and dont say a word ]
When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared [ Protect her ]
When she lay's her head on your shoulder [ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steal's your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she tease's you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesnt answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she look's at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ]
When she say's that she like's you [ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grab's at your hands [ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]
When she bump's into you [ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tell's you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes [ dont look away until she does ]
When she misses you [ she's hurting inside ]
When you break her heart [ the pain never really goes away ]
When she says its over [ she still wants you to be hers ]

Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.
When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.
When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her, because 10 yrs later she'll remember you. Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
Tease her and let her tease you back.
Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
Give her the world.
Let her wear your clothes.
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
Let her know she's important.
Kiss her in the pouring rain.
When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

god. exactly what im looking for.
and what i never able to recieve.

xoxo

pretty much determine to let go - bit by bit.
live a life - a live with me and only me.
with those fake smiles.
fake my happiness.

and what really is pure emptiness. 2008.