im smashed.
seems that my problems, and feeling doesn't really concern you.

so what if im lonely?
so what if im sad when i see happy couples around me?
so what if i can't find a single friend to hang out with?
so what if im home waiting for you every single night for hours till past midnight?
so what if im feeling fucked, stressed at work and hurt by you again and again?

all you throw at me was, "you don't have friends is your fucking problem, not mine."

that was the only thing i heard, and the sentence i will remember for life.
short sentence, yet it totally explains how much you treasure our relationship and me.
you can be saying a hundred times "i love you" every day, but do you really mean it?

yes. your friends can say that you treat me too good.
and yes. you're free to listen to them and treat me the "normal" way your friends see it.
your friend said this, your friend said that.
what about what i said? do you ever really listen, and understand before defending yourself?

i never said you cannot go out with your friends,
i just hope you can be home earlier or to keep the time you promise to be home to talk with me.
for one thing, you're there permanently. you have all the time to do what you wanna do over there. as for me, i only have that short period of time each day, separated by either the computer or phone.

as im typing this. tears flow yet again. but i know i have to learn how to control them soon. i've got to save what left of my pathetic dignity. i'm leaving you alone, doing whatever you want. anyway, friends' always more important to you.

when it comes to me, i have to wait.
i wait day and night to talk on the phone.
and when it's finally time and i called,
i was asked to wait because you're with this friend, or watching this drama, or playing this game.
so when can i be the prioriety and that when i call or whatever, the waiting party is not me. when will that ever happen?

honestly, i can be harsh at you, showing the strong side of me.
this is because your presence totally made me lose all my confidence.
belittled. because i know NOTHING and have no skill nor talent as compared to you.
you're better than me in every aspect of life.
and that made me even more "zi bei" ("ji bay")
if you never know, im telling you now.

looking at the air ticket to hk this coming november, 31days away.
and im confused, tensed, lost.
am i to go over still?
so what will be happening when i go over?
will it be a happy trip?
what will happen in this 31 days?
will i be unhappy, sad, crying every single day?
will we ever make up?
will we ever since grew distant?

so many questions. about this relationship.
and i have no answers to any.

i licked my own wounds in that corner.

yes. im this lonely freak with no friends.

im not making any sense anymore. see. i have so much in mind, and even more i never expressed. all because i don't want to bore you with all these shits. and i have no one to confide in anymore.

it seems that world is back to me. and me alone.

the urge to slash again. this time i held back the temptation. it's ugly enough. i dont need more scars.

one last thing.

my confused, lost.
my heart's bleeding, smashed, unsettled.
im insecure.

who to calm me down?