hello blog.

im glad to have you.
apparently, im not allow to complain nor voice out my unhappiess or whatever emotions im feeling if i want the rs to keep going good. but, i've you to talk to. you to listen to my unhappiness. though you might not be alive to do anything to make me feel better, at least i guess you do listen to what im gonna say - my thoughts, my feelings.

first thing first,
im no longer gonna have expectations. im going to make things simple. im going to be the follower, hiding those feelings, tears and wound. as im typing this entry, i can actually feel my heart hurting, bleeding. kind of funny, to experience heart contractions that made me tear. forcing a smile on my face, it's show time. again.

sometimes, i wonder. what do i live for?
actually, i live for my family and love, which i believe will be my own little family in the future.
yes, i live for love that will evolve into a family. never live for guys, it's love and family that i live for. and when i cried so hard over a certain guy (only two in my life) was because i thought im gonna lost them and my future family for good.

i always wonder what people first impression of me?
arrogant? proud? fierce? confident? pretty? fat? ugly? talented? cheerful? party girl? popular? smiley? ...etc.
im really curious, seriously.
yet, i can tell you.. im totally..
belittled, low or even zero confidence, negative, lonely, timid, paranoid, talentless or mayb useless, definately not popular, quiet, naive ...etc.

i love writing.
it gave me the courage to really voice out my thoughts and feelings - that i was too ashamed to share with anyone in this world. each time after expressing my unhappiness, anger ...etc i felt more relaxed. like a load being dump away. because i can't tell anyone, and when i do.. results being i got fucked. writing is my runaway.

minutes passed, hours passed.
i can feel my heart turning colder.
my words, without soul.

maybe i just want to protect myself from further hurt.